For this post I’ll go ahead and let you know that I have no clue how much money was wasted on this specific government project. I really don’t. And in some ways, I don’t want to know. I want to remain blissful…
PEACHTREE CITY, GA (AP) – The National Weather Service (NWS) in Peachtree City, GA, has issued a dire report that once again, “Summer” is approaching. Recognized by many as the hottest time of the year, Summer is the result of Global Warming Anti-Cooling Continental Calamity Axial Rotation.
The NWS predicts the beginning of Summer to occur on June 20 of this year.
“We were surprised at the occurrence of Summer this year. Yet not totally shocked. Some of our computer models predicted that Summer would happen again,” said Ms. Lane E. Ous, PhD of the NWS.
Historically speaking, Summer has happened every year in recent memory, mostly due to soccer moms driving SUV’s.
Ms. Ous said in a press release yesterday, “Summer will continue to occur unless drastic measures are taken.”
Summer is widely regarded as the leading cause of higher temperatures that can fluctuate based on specific geographic locations. In other words, it may be hotter in some regions than others. Interestingly enough, on the bottom of the globe thingy, it actually gets colder.
The downside to Summer is that it can get hot if you are not in a conditioned environment. Tens of people throughout the country die as a result of this extreme and unpredictable heat resulting from Summer. To combat these catastrophic and pandemic possibilities, the United States Department of Labor has spent untold amounts of money through their subsidiary department, OSHA (Occupational Safety & Health Administration) warning people who spend time outdoors of the imminent dangers of Summer. Link to life saving information.
Undocumented worker Manuel was quoted as saying, “El gobierno federal salvó mi vida diciéndome que podría ser caliente afuera.” A quick translation says, “Buster? I’m not sure I know who you are.” But we at the AP believe he may have been saying something out how hot something is because an intern recognized the word “caliente.” This is neither confirmed nor denied by anyone nearby.
While the entire respected global scientific community are in 100% agreement that GWACCCAR is the absolute cause of Summer, two self-appoint climate scientists, know as Skeptics, living in Bangladesh, opine that the “Sun,” the continuous nuclear reactor at the center of our solar system with a mass of 1.989e+30 that releases 5 million tons of pure energy each second by collapsing four hydrogen molecules into a single helium molecule, combined with the so-called predictable tilt of the Earth is more the cause of “Summer.”
No one in particular with some random, unnamed UN agency says, “Global Warming Anti-Cooling Continental Calamity Axial Rotation will not go away on its own. We must act now by taking all the money from rich nations and giving them to poor nations. That is the only way to determine if Global Warming Anti-Cooling Continental Calamity Axial Rotation can be stopped.”
This reporter painstakingly interviewed Dan Rather for the facts contained within and Dan swears that it’s all true.
*END BREAKING NEWS*
So there you have it. Our Imperial Government felt so inclined to warn migrant workers, illegal aliens, and others that it can get hot during summer. That the cure is water, rest, and shade.
When is OSHA going to build a website on breathing? Oh wait… They did:
“Human beings must breathe oxygen . . . to survive, and begin to suffer adverse health effects when the oxygen level of their breathing air drops…” For real…
In Other News of the Ironic, I love the blatant disrespect for farm workers on the main page of the OSHA website: “The work can’t get done without them”
Notice every single photo is of a Latino. Even the foreman with the cowboy hat and giant belt buckle in the background. So in other words, only Latinos work outside during the summer. This accordingly to the Department of Labor.
In case you can’t tell if it’s hot outside, the DOL has also spent a stupid amount of money on a mobile app. Heat Safety Tool
And by stupid amount, I mean $643,997.60.
Congratulations! The free republic that our fore fathers created by standing up against the largest global power of that era has been relegated to telling us when it’s hot and what to do in case someone outside overheats.
How much of our tax dollars are spent on describing the obvious?
Author’s note: Any reference to people named “Summer” is completely coincidental. Including, but not limited to, family members who are incredibly adorable and otherwise too cute for words.