I’ve made mistakes in my life.  Lucky for me, there wasn’t a Facebook or Twitter or even the internet when I was in high school and college.  No cell phones with his resolution cameras or readily available video recorders.


Not that I was really bad, just a little mischief now and then.  But even into my adult life I’ve made mistakes. For example, the other night I was playing pool with my son.  I made a particularly difficult shot with the intent to give me a great leave on the 8-ball.  I quickly, confidently dropped the 8 and said my favorite phrase to my boy, “Rack ‘em up.”  At which point he pointed to one of my balls still on the table and in a smart alec voice, “What about that one.”

Whoops.  Game over. Score one for my spawn. I made a mistake.

Even with all the mistakes I have made, I have yet to get a tattoo.  Now I know all the tat lovers will start giving me all sorts of garbage, so stow it. While not a fan myself, I normally don’t hold judgement against those that do.

With a few minor exceptions.

Like this guy.

Or this guy.

And especially this guy.

Generally speaking, it is difficult to procure gainful employment looking like the above photos.  Add don’t even get me started on this dude:

Like I said, I’ve made mistakes, but none of my mistake stories start with “had FREAK tattooed on my chest…” and end with “…then had my tongue surgically split.”  They have been more of the “I lost a game of pool with my son by not paying attention.”

When I see someone with exposed ink similar to the above, I actually feel sad for them.  Deviant behavior is typically to sign of someone looking for attention and lacking self-confidence.  By doing something like this to their body, it demands attention.  Outward contrarian behavior is a cry for attention.  But I digress….

What do you do if you want to enter the professional workforce with your exposed body covered in tats?

Simple….  Just move to Mission Hills, CA, and claim that you are a recovering gangbanger.

Thanks to our magnanimous IG, $200,000 of taxpayer money has been set aside for tattoo removal. Yep… $200,000…

Wow…  I wish someone else would pay to save me from my own poor decisions.

What would you do with $200,000? 

We will win one way or the other…

Since the dawn of man, the formation of the “family unit” has generally followed the same steps.

Boy meets girl.
Boy like girl.
Boy postures for girls attention and affection.
Boy asks girl to participate in some formal ceremony of commitment.
Girl agrees only because there isn’t a life form worthy of her, but boy seems the best of the options.
Boy is always wrong.
Boy and girl make other tiny boys and girls.
The cycle continues.

This has worked since the first Neanderthal took the first woman by the hair and dragged her to the cave.  

Yet, for some reason, researchers at Penn State at University Park don’t buy that concept. They blame everything on TV.  That’s right, television. Here’s the worst part, they convinced the IG that they needed money to conduct this important research.

So they received a grant from the National Institute of Health for $702, 558 to carry out this work.  Almost three quarters of a million dollars……

So what expenses created the necessity for such a large sum of money?  Well, to study the effects of TV, you have to first find a place where TV doesn’t exist.  So the researchers went to remote villages in Vietnam.  That’s right, Vietnam.  And not only did the 14 remote villages lack TV, they lacked electricity. 

So they split the villages into two groups of seven each.  One group received nice big gas generators and fancy TV’s.  The other village, well, they were left alone.  I hope the villages without TV’s didn’t hear about the ones with TV’s because then envy would set in and envy does not end well in a Opportunistic State.

So seven villages in Vietnam will be subjected to the streaming stupidity that emanates from a TV. For their sake I hope the programming is decent.  I don’t believe waterboarding is torture, but I do believe that being subjected to an endless stream of Friends, Everybody Loves Raymond, and Sex in the City constitutes as cruel and unusual punishment.

In Other News of the Ironic, episodes of Survivor were shown, yet the villagers thought it was a comedy and that all the contestants were wimps.

So there you have it. A three year study of how TV effects the:

“…the causal link between television and family formation and reproductive health.”

So here’s my question…  Well, one of them…  But, why do we care?  Seriously….  Who cares?  Is the IG going to read this research and them deem TV bad for our health and decide on controlling the programming?  Or realize that TV makes people dumb and numb and require a certain amount of TV a day.  What possible good can come from this research?  

Who cares……

Even odds says that the men grow fat and lazy, the children unruly, and the chores ignored.

Besides, what would you do with $702,558?

Rock and roll will never die

I love rock and roll.  I really do.  And music in general.  Music really adds to life.  The perfect song at the perfect moment.  Whether you are sitting in a dark, smokey bar listening to the effortless blues of Mark Knopfler or riding a bike through the woods at top speed listening to Kenny Loggins warn of the Danger Zone.   Or listening to two close friends play Pachelbel Canon in D on the guitar and flute (thanks again Beth and Chris) while watching the most beautiful woman in the world (still is) walk down to aisle to meet you to begin a lifelong commitment to each other.  Music is an integral part of our lives and the overall development of humanity.

Let’s switch gears and talk about the Cold War.  In 1989, the Berlin Wall fell marking the end of the Cold War between the ideologies of Capitalism and a freely elected representative Republic and complete state control with Communism.  Personal freedom and individual liberty won.  Yea Capitalism.  Many factors went into the winning the complex Cold War; military, diplomatic, political, and social.

But no, the money we spent winning the Cold War was not wasted.  I mean, I’m sure there was some waste in there.  It is the government after all, but winning the Cold War was as imperative, if not more, than winning WWII.  

Looking at just the social weapons of Capitalism, some credit Levi’s with helping to win the Cold War as blue jeans were a precious, and desired commodity behind the Iron Curtain.  Others believe that it was the influence of music, and specifically rock and roll, that helped win the Cold War.

Rock and roll was discouraged as an evil of the West officially, but small sanctioned clubs emerged in Soviet Russia.  Provided they work in conjunction with Soviet officials to ensure that the bands stuck to party dogma. Soviet rock was good, it’s just their biggest problem is that their amplifiers only went to 10.  None of them went to 11. So when they needed that extra *umph* they were out of luck.

Flash forward to today.  How does this impact the IG’s wasting of your tax dollars? Simple…  A federal grant was given to Jim Brown to complete a movie titled Rockin’ the Kremlin which shows how rock and roll contributed to ending the Cold War by specifically documenting the Nitty Gritty Dirt Band as they visited the Soviet Union in the 1970′s.  To the tune of $550,000.

Really.  $550,000 to finish a movie about the Nitty Gritty Dirt Band visiting the USSR.

First of all, why is the IG backing this project?  Was there even a single person in Hollywood who would back this project?  Not one?  I mean, someone backed this project:

and this one:

and this:

and hatefully this:

So it was up to the IG to extort $550,000 from you, the taxpayer, to complete a documentary of the Nitty Gritty Dirt Band and how they helped defeat Communism?

The original funding came from the Grammy Museum and the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Of course I have no faith in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame since they have continued to exclude Rush, yet have included the Moonglows and Spooner Oldham.  But I digress.

Spooner Oldham.  Really…. And no Rush.  Or Kiss.  Or Moody Blues.  Wow.

Anyway…  Secondly, why is the IG in the business to make movies anyway?  

Third, Spooner Oldham?  I’m having a hard time getting past this….

So it works out like this…  The IG decided that it was better to spend your money on a movie about the Nitty Gritty Dirt Band visiting Soviet Russia then for you to keep your own money.

What would you do with $550,000?

Well that was a freebie….

This is way too easy.  Sometimes the comedy writes itself.

The IG is often involved in important research projects.  I don’t dispute this.  I know my alma mater, the North Avenue Trade School, has benefited from IG research dollars.  Here’s the crux, the result of the research should be greater in knowledge value than the money spent.  Meaning, something useful should be the result of spent research dollars.

In 1962, J.C.R. Licklider described a “Galactic Network” while at MIT (the North Avenue Trade School of the North) and then made his vision a reality while at DARPA (http://www.darpa.mil/).  By the way, DARPA is really cool. This Galactic Network became what we refer to as the “Internet.”  Or WWW,  or interwebs, or net, or Skynet.

Chalk one up for Uncle Sam.  Well played, sir.

Now, this type of successful research project doesn’t happen by accident.  Someone, Mr. Licklinder in this case, had a vision for something that would be greater than the value of the resources required to fulfill the idea. He put together a plan, executed the plan, and now we have instantaneous worldwide communication.  Pretty cool.

J.C.R. “Lick” Licklider

For the record, I would have petitioned for a different nickname.  Just saying.

I know what you are thinking, “Why are you talking about a smashing success on a blog about IG waste?”

Great question…..  An equally great answer is that I want it to be clear that not all IG spending is wasteful.  Especially in research.  Government backed research has added considerably to our lives, health, and technology.  So I am not against government backed research.  

What I am against is stupid government backed research.  So how can you tell the difference?  Simple, you just can…  No one can quantify or explain what makes the Pontiac Aztec hideous looking, it just is.  The same logic can be applied to stupid government research.  Some research projects make you scratch your head and question the sanity of the people making the decisions on who gets money and who doesn’t.

So here’s my example.

In my home city, Atlanta, GA, there are two colleges that got together and formed a research group.  The schools in question were Agnes Scott (an all girls school) and Emory University (pretty much an all girls school).  Some rocket surgeon at Emory put together a research plan, submitted it for an IG grant, and received $592,597 for this ground breaking research.

And apparently someone at the IG decided that the knowledge would at least generate $592,598 worth of value in knowledge and/or innovation.  Because to quote the great philosopher, Navin R. Johnson, “It’s a profit thing.”

So what earth-shattering, ground-breaking research was funded?  To answer that with a straight face, I have to copy from the research abstract:

It has been hypothesized that neurological adaptations associated with evolutionary selection for throwing may have served as a precursor for the emergence of language and speech in early hominins.”

The title of this research translated into English reads:

“Why do chimps throw poop.”


Almost $600,000 of your money was confiscated by the IG because they thought it would be better for the world if they spent that money on trying to decide if chimps throwing poop was a sign of higher intellect than on you spending your own money on things like a mortgage, or food, or gas…

Because think about it.  The IG does not earn money, they confiscate it from the American taxpayers.    When they spend the money they confiscated from you, they are really saying, “We, the IG, believe that your money is better spent on this project then you spending your own money on things you want.”

$592,597 to determine if chimps flinging poo is a sign of higher intellect.  I can’t make this up.  If you think I am, visit this link.  It’s the full abstract of the program:

Regardless of what results $592,597 worth of research quantified, I can easily sum up the answer to the question with a simple observation…  If chimps slinging poo was a sign of intellect, then the group of chimps pictured below would be the smartest people in the history of humankind.

Like I said.  It writes itself.

What would you do with $592,597?

To get to the Shell station…

In some cases we have become a “Nanny State” where the government is always trying to protect us from, well, ourselves.  This story about a 4-year old girl who had her lunch confiscated by a state inspector for not being “healthy enough.” http://www.theblaze.com/stories/n-c-food-inspector-sends-girls-lunch-home-after-determining-its-not-healthy-enough/

But then there are times when the IG recognizes a problem and solves said problem to the benefit of the safety of you and me.  Looking at traffic data and determining that a stretch of road or intersection has a higher level of accidents seems prudent.  The next step is to analyze the data and surrounding environment and propose a solution to make the street safer sounds like a good thing.

For the record, I am against traffic accidents.  Regardless of how much a lot of drivers really need a nudge in the quarter panel.

So when a half-mile stretch of US Highway 27 in Florida is redesigned $3.4 million to reduce accidents, that sounds like a great thing. 

Here’s the kicker.  It has nothing to do with cars hitting cars or cars hitting people, or cars hitting other fixed objects.  Its turtles.  Seriously. Turtles.

For the record, I am for turtles.  If you have ever seen a sea turtle while SCUBA diving, you would be amazed at their grace and beauty.

I’m not for spending $3.4 million of yours and my money on a Turtle Underpass which is what was built.  And the logic used was to decry the dangers of a car hitting a turtle and the turtle being propelled and hitting another car.  And anyone who has played Super Mario Bros. knows the inherit risks of dead turtles being cast about.

What astounds me is the cost to dig a ditch, drop in some concrete pipe, cover it up, and put chain link fences on either side to funnel the turtles into the new Turtle Tube.  $3.4 million?  Really?

It’s a four lane highway, so assume 12′ per lane, so 48′ plus shoulder and extra.  So let’s say 80′ long.  Concrete culverts 24″x48″ sell for $116.25 (http://www.coxhardware.com/p-10024-concrete-culvert-pipe-24-x-48.aspx) so roughly $2400 in concrete.  Chain link fence runs about $3 a linear foot so a mile’s worth of chain link fence (including posts) is about $16,000.  So let’s round up to $20,000 in materials to include a little dirt, gravel, and concrete for the fence post footers.

  So here’s how the government works….

Hmmm….  We need to build a Turtle Pipe under US Highway 27.  Material costs should be about $20,000.  So when you add in labor, union fees, overtime, paperwork, EPA regulations, environmental impact studies, wetland remediation, temporary water retention areas, and tax tag and title, that comes to $3.4 million.

Sounds like a deal to me.

So why did the turtle cross the road?

It’s so simple.  To get to the Shell station.

The weather outside is frightful…

The American Recover and Reinvestment Act of 2009 was intended to provide a kick start to the economy and get us out of the financial funk that has beleaguered this country.  While we could discuss some of the more politically charged, finer points of the Recovery Act, such as, “Did it actually help or hinder?” but we can all agree that there was waste in the program. A lot of waste.

One example in particular happened in Cook, Co, Illinois.  Also know as Chicago.  The Windy City.  The Second City.  Vote early and often.

In 2009, $91 million went to Cook Co. for the sole purpose of weatherizing low income single family, multi-family, and trailer homes in Cook Co.  12,500 domiciles had been targeted as both low income and not properly weatherized, thus wasting energy.  

Here’s the kicker, nothing I am about to write about has anything to do with the decision to spend $91 million of your hard earned money in weatherizing low income housing in Chicago.  We could easily have a lively debate as to the importance of more energy efficient homes and how low income families cannot afford the generally costly upgrades.  We could then go on a much bigger discussion of our energy policies and global economics.  Finally, we would end up in a heated argument about the greatest scam in the history of mankind, the pending ice age, I mean global warming, I mean climate change, I mean a pending ice age…  And once you start talking about Global Climate Ice Warming you start talking religion.  

<Digression> I’ve studied Global Climate Ice Warming for over 10 years from a very open perspective.  If we are doing something bad, I want to know and change my ways. After intensive studies, I can clearly say that there is more science in Scientology that in Global Climate Ice Warming.</Digression>

So I will skip all that for today.

So here’s what happened….  A bunch of money was spent on weatherizing homes.  What that means is anyone’s guess.  Could be a variety of things ranging from weather stripping a door to re-insulating the entire home.  As is every good government program it’s specifically ambiguous.  But work was done on a select number of homes.

Somebody at the US Department of Energy decided to look into the success of the weatherization program.  So they selected 15 homes to inspect.  Of the 15 homes, 12 failed inspection.  And we’re talking epic fail. As in worse than this dude…

Not only was the work poorly done, in a high number of cases the houses were more dangerous.  From the report:

“For example, improperly performed heating system tune-ups allowed the heating systems to either improperly fire or emit carbon monoxide at higher than acceptable levels;”


Here’s a link to the entire report:

So the work was garbage.  The homes failed inspection by the DOE, but somehow magically passed at the local level.  In some cases, the DOE found that work that had passed inspection HAD NOT EVEN TAKEN PLACE.  No work was done, yet signed off as complete and in working order by local officials.

Not only was the work below IG standards, but expensive as well.  The DOE found that material costs were regularly 120% to 200% higher than consumer prices.  Where are all the anti-profit protesters now? Not to be outdone by insipid markups, but apparently the contractors employed don’t count very well.  In a house that would require 10 light bulbs, they would “sell” the government 12, or 15.

What we have here is the perfect storm of Chicago style politics, cronyism, sub-government standard work, government style accounting practices, corruption, and just plain theft.  All of which leads to a complete waste of taxpayers’ money.

What would you do with $91 million?

A full set of teeth, two last names, and a high school diploma..

Name three things you won’t find at a NASCAR race.

Yea, that was brutal.

Don’t get me wrong.  I love sports.  I love cars.  I just have a hard time getting excited about a combination of the two that was inspired by a dog chasing his tail.  

Here’s a good question.  If NASCAR held a race south of the equator, would all the turns go to the right? Hmm.

One thing I dearly love about NASCAR are the fans.  Absolutely rabid, fierce, and infinitely loyal.  They have simple beliefs in God, guns, and family.  Unfortunately, their family tree looks more like a flag pole, but I digress.

You would think that this crowd is suspicious of government intervention; rightly so.  You would think that this would be the last crowd the IG would waste money on for any reason.  But as we have learned, government waste knows no boundaries, exceptions, or intelligence.

So here’s what happened at a meeting of the FCC leading up to the pending change to digital TV.

Lackey: “We’ve got to find creative ways of educating people to the upcoming change to DTV.”

Tool: “I’ve heard of this NASCAR thing where 100,000 people sit in stand and watch cars go in a circle for hours.”

Idiot: “So you’re saying we have a captive audience?”

Tool: “I think so.”

Lackey: “How can we take advantage of this?”

Tool: “Apparently, the cars have advertising all over and by constantly staring at the ads, the crowd becomes condition to a marketing message.”

Idiot: “Kinda like when we repeat a lie so many times that people believe it…”

Tool: “Just like that.”

Lackey: “Well, let’s do it.  Make it happen.”

Tool: “Well I’ve pulled together a rough budget.”

*group laughing*

Tool: “I can get us a website advertised on the rear fender for $350,000.”

Lackey: “I’ve heard that NASCAR runs almost year round. That’s a bargain.”

Tool: “No, that would only be for three races.”

Lackey: “Sounds like a good idea to me. Let’s do it.”

So the IG decided that it was more important to advertise a web address for DTV.gov than for you, the American taxpayer to keep $350,000.

In Other News of the Ironic, the government has wasted untold millions of dollars trying to bring broadband to rural America, which is where the majority of NASCAR fans live.  So advertising a web site to people who don’t have broadband is pretty funny.

What would you do with $350,000?

Flight of fancy

I really enjoy traveling.  Exploring new cities, seeing new sites, experiencing different cultures.  Sometimes my travel is for business while other times it is simply for fun.  And it doesn’t have to be someplace exotic like Thailand or Argentina.  While I love being at both of those places, cities and regions here in the States can be just as fun.  For instance, I could visit Washington D.C. a hundred times and never get bored.  Regardless, traveling is a lot of fun and I enjoy being on the road.  Occasionally…..

Now, getting there is often referred to as “half the fun.” Now, if standing in long lines, being groped, crammed in a tiny seat, and lots of waiting…  Lots of waiting…

But I deal with it as does the high percentage of people who fly commercial airlines.  Of course I always feel the glare of the First Class and Business Class passengers as I make up part of the cattle herd to back of the plane.  So I make my way to the back, wedge myself in the seat, and do my best to go to sleep.  When I have trouble sleeping, I imagine I’m in freshman lit and promptly nod off.

But wait, this is supposed to be about government waste, not your ramblin’ missives on air travel.

Here’s the area rug that ties it all together.

What I thought were glares from the uber-successful simply looking down on the unwashed masses was actually the contempt of useless IG employees improperly traveling in the lap of luxury.

The GAO (http://gao.gov/) calculated that from July 1, 2005, to June 30, 2006, federal employees spent $146 million on improper upgrades to First and Business class.  Wow…  That’s a lot of money to spend on some government weasel just to be comfortable while flying somewhere.  

In Other News of the Ironic, as people like me made the conscience decision to fly Coach because I wanted to save the money and spend it wisely elsewhere, a government lackey was taking my own money and flying in comfort.  So I still didn’t save the money AND I traveled in the relative discomfort of Coach.

Who’s the elite class now?

One consistent theme, other than using the force of law to confiscate my hard earned dollars and wasting them on really, really stupid thing, is the answer…

 GAO noted that the $230 million spent on premium-class flights accounted for less than 1 percent of the cost of all federal government flights during the period. So the overcharges themselves amounted to less than 1 percent of the total spent on federal airline travel.”

Here’s the thing, 1% of the total IG budget is $32 billion.  That’s a lot of money.  I mean a lot.  How about we start by reducing our budget by 1%.  Then by 2%.  Then by, well you get the picture.

So, the next time you fly, look at the government wastoids in First Class and think about how wasteful the IG is when it comes to spending YOUR money.

Dead and loving it

This is going to be short.  I have to be somewhere early this morning.

Yesterday was about dead people receiving benefits. So you could say that in death, they were grateful.  Today, it’s all about the Grateful Dead.

Now, I love a lot of music.  If I hit random on my music library, it could be anyone from Rush to Van Halen to Dire Straits to Johnny Cash to Depeche Mode to Abba to Johnny Lee Hooker to Cake to John Williams to John Denver to Run DMC to…  Well you get the picture.  So you could say that I really appreciate music; good, bad, or indifferent.  With the exception of the Rolling Stones.  I hate the *$&#@! Stones.  But that’s a different story.

Why do I suddenly have the need to hear some Devo.


Music is an important part of everybody’s life.  Since the dawn of man when we were banging rocks together, music has been everywhere.  So much so that we don’t even notice it.

Time for King’s X.

Apparently the IG (Imperial Government) is a big music lover as well…  Especially the Grateful Dead.  TO the tune of $615,000.  Tune…  Get it?

Next up, the London Symphony playing “Whole Lotta Love.”  Zepplin in symphony.  Priceless.

Where was I?  Oh yea…..  So the IG give the University of California at Santa Cruz $615,000 to digitize the Dead’s music, tee-shirts, concert posters, and other various Dead paraphernalia. So $615,000 was extorted by the point of a gun from American taxpayers to pay for a bunch of stoner college students in California to Google Grateful Dead stuff.

Nine Inch Nails is always good for early Saturday morning.

At a healthy $15/hour, that’s 41,000 hours.  And having known stoned college students, that’s probably three albums and a tee-shirt.


No mention of a Twinkie subsidy was in the report.

What would you do with $615,000?

The gift that keeps on giving…..

In the world of supply and demand, as the supply of a product increases, the cost decreases.  Pretty simple.  As the supply decreases and demand increase, the cost goes up.

So.  When unemployment is low, it takes more money and benefits to attract employees and thus the cost goes up.  When unemployment is high, the supply of workers is high and therefore the cost goes down.

Unless you are the government.

Since the beginning of the recession, government employment has skyrocketed.  As the size of the government has increase due to redundant, overlapping, and flat out unnecessary departments, more and more people have been hired.  One would think that with the huge number of people looking for work, the government would at least get a lower cost per worker.

Not the case.  When you add in benefits, government employees regularly make 50% more than their private counterparts. From December 2007 – June 2009 the number of government workers making north of $100,000 grew by 46%.  And that’s before overtime and bonuses.

But that’s not what I came here to talk about.  I came to talk about the draft.  Well, actually no.  It’s not Thanksgiving.

What I do want to talk about is improper benefits paid to former government employees.

According to the Office of the Inspector General, the government paid out an estimated $100-$150 million in improper benefits.  Of course that’s a pretty big range.  I could go on about how they can only estimate within $50 million, but I won’t.

In one case alone, improper benefits were paid to a former government employee from 1971 to 2011 to the tune of $515,000.  But that’s only $12,875 per year.  Why is that a big deal?  How can anyone live on that paltry sum?

The answer is very clear, they didn’t.  You see, the receiver of said benefits was actually dead.  Truly dead.  And not even grateful.

From 2006 to 2011, over $601 billion (with a B) was paid in benefits to deceased government employees.  As in dead.  Pushing up daises.  Not pining of the fjords.  

Now this link here fully describes the situation.

I love page 2, “THIS PAGE INTENTIONALLY LEFT BLANK.”  I’m just curious how much we spend in printing pages intentionally left blank.  But I digress.

Now the funny thing with the 40 years of payout to a dead guy was how the IG found out.  His son, who was happily taking the $1,072.92 a month and quietly depositing it, died.  I’m just glad we didn’t start double paying.

Now the money went somewhere.  And not back to the government.  Here’s a quote from the report:

“The improper payment was not recovered.”

Here’s my favorite line:

“When compared to other Federal benefits programs, the improper payment rate is arguably low.”

Huh?  $601 million paid out in improper benefits to dead people is low?  What in the bloody world is high?

And yet, this is ok with the IG.  No big deal.  A rounding error.  In Other News of the Ironic, proudly and boldly displayed on the home page of the Office of the Inspector General’s website (http://oig.hhs.gov/) are giant links for reporting fraud.

Me: “Well, I’d like to report $515,000 in improper payments made to a dead guy.”

Them: “Thanks for reporting the fraud.”

Me: “Well.  What are you going to do?  How about getting it back.”

Them: “Naw.”

Me: “Why not?  I thought I was supposed to report fraud here.”

Them: “You are. And we thank you.”

Me: “Why aren’t you going to do something about it?”

Them: “This service is just for reporting the fraud.  Another department actually takes action.”

Me: “Ok, then who will you share this information with so we can get our tax payers money back that was stolen.”

Then: “I don’t know. We just collect the reports of fraud.  Thank you for reporting the fraud.”

Me: “Really?”

Them: “I’m sorry, do you have another fraud to report?”

Me: “If I reported you as a fraud would it turn you into a programmatic loop that would cause instantaneous implosion?”

Them: “I’m sorry, would you please clarify your question?”

Me: “Don’t bother.”

Them: “Thank you for reporting the fraud.  Please call back anytime you see fraud.”

All right, so I got a little carried away.  But it was fun. So now time for the big question…..

What would you do with $1,072.92 a month for 40 years?